I got the following email from a friend and am answering it here in this blog…with her permission of course.
Hey Michael,
I am in a sort of internship I believe. I still have some issues of my own. Most of the abuse I have sustained was of the psychological kind and was done at the time when I was most absorbent (childhood). So… I feel that I have forgiven but that my next step is to accept that I will know this same harmful intent in others.
I think I am what is called a “sensitive”. I respond to the feelings of others…and yes, I have always said that I can feel the feelings of others. My problem is that I am not always able to determine that the feelings are not necessarily directed at me; therefore I ‘think’ they are. As a result I become angry or hurt.
In a way, that is the same as saying I feel responsible and that is not healthy.
I am NOW able to acknowledge when I feel extremely uncomfortable around others; when I sense their toxicity; their ambivalence.
Munga, you made a very good observation here. First of all it does not matter if it was directed at you or not. What matters is do you really deserve the energy being projected? Do you know? Are you clear enough to know?
Most people “think” that the words and perceived attitude of others are directed at them. This is a very standard assumption we all make. I still catch this happening in myself when my wife becomes unhappy. When she finally gets around to explaining it to me, it is due to something else. Either she is physically uncomfortable for some reason, or she is worrying about something else or somebody else in her family. Now my wife is pretty honest and owns her own stuff, but other people are not so honest, or worse don’t even understand their own minds and do not even know what it is they are thinking about. Other people may even truly believe YOU are the problem of the moment, and they project that energetically upon you or they project it quite vocally with words. So this causes most people to doubt themselves.
This is the point of work that needs to be done in many people who are sensitive and who will develop their sensitivity in the future. We need to be clear at all times about ourselves, who we are, what our intentions are, what we think and what we do. And when we do make mistakes, out of habit, and go against our true intention, we need to recognize that we have done so and take the steps necessary to reprogram our habits such that we come into alignment with our true intentions. Which I would assume is, to be loving and harmless in all of our thoughts and deeds. If that is not your intention, then guilt will surely follow you all the days of your lives!
UnforgettableBook.com
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People think perfection is not possible. They say, “We are only human.” But when a person realizes that perfection is very simple then it becomes possible. I say that perfection is making it your intention to be loving and harmless in every thought, word, and deed and reprogramming your habits of thought, word and deed that go against that intention. For me making a mistake such as spilling the milk, or hitting the gas pedal when you meant to hit the breaks or some other such human mistake does not mean a person is not perfect. But to remain loving and harmless in the midst of anything that occurs, intentional or accidental, that is perfection.
When your intention is to be loving and harmless, and your habits nearly always reflect that intention, then it is easy to not take the energetic or spoken resentments and accusations of others as if you are at fault. If your intentions and actions are clear, then begin to remind yourself of this every time someone near you gets upset and you will soon find yourself at peace in these sorts of situations.
The other problem we face is we want the other person to understand us, to understand our intentions and to change how they view us and our actions. If this understanding does not come for them automatically it is not likely to come at all. We can argue with people, and try to convince them, but unfortunately even if they pretend to be convinced, in most cases they will hold on to their perceived experience and hold you responsible for whatever negative feelings they have. This may seem like a sad realization and a sad outcome, but ultimately our awakening and our clarity does lead us to increasingly better circumstances for ourselves. It really does not matter what other people think about us.
Recently, I had to get another job, for financial reasons. I have had to change jobs 3 times in the last three years. I am not someone who does this… I would like to find my niche and hang in there; my personality is such that I am loyal and tenacious. But…due to some odd circumstances, I have had to move on and continue to find work in other places. I have a lot to give to a company.
Odd circumstances, hmmm…sounds like the hands of God at work here. Didn’t you say you were in internship? Internship for what…running a corporation or healing the planet? Those who are waking up are indeed in an internship. And we are here at this moment in time to transform this planet. These shakeups we experience when we are so very close to enlightenment are those things that will shake loose those old habits of thought word and deed that no longer serve us. These shakeups give us the training necessary to understand what we are up against, and what our true job in this world is.
I found a job that looked like something I would like. With the right training, I could run this office like a well oiled machine. They hired me on the spot! I was pleased. But before the interview took place, I noticed that one of the co-workers (my equal) was very hostile towards me. Not overtly but passively. I felt terribly uncomfortable but kept telling myself not to be “paranoid”.
Be careful, be watchful, and be aware when you feel this sort of thing. Certainly the hostility is there. Not everyone wants their work environment to run like a well oiled machine. When they slack off, when they need time for themselves, it will be noticed. They will be resentful that you have taken this away from them. It is unfortunate but most companies don’t just give employees enough free time in their day to tend to their own needs. Thus we all create it and hide it in the cracks of the disorganization that exist.
I have been on the job for three weeks and the other person up and quit because she was so intimidated by my presence. This was so upsetting to me. I had done nothing to her but get hired! I am shy and reserved but friendly and kind… I know this about myself. I tried to be “nicer” to her, sensing her insecurities, but that only seemed to add fuel to the fire.
Problem is, if I am in the workplace; there is nowhere to go… there is often no choice but to hang in there. I’m sure others will say, “Quit the job” but that is not an option for me at this point. I just started!!! I kept thinking that this situation was one that I caused.
Yes, you are the cause. Your light is shinning too brightly and you give those who cower in the darkness nowhere to hide. So perhaps you should shrink back into the darkness, lie, cheat, and do a few evil deeds every once in a while so that you can be accepted. NOT! :^)
What is your job? Is it possible that in the course of your duties you may reveal something this person did that was wrong like some sort of embezzlement? Or were they frightened they would be seen as incompetent or too slow? Or is it that just having a nice person around made them sick?
I do know this…people are frightened, people are jealous, and people have low self-esteem. There are many reasons for this, but primarily and foremost is that it is NOT their intention to be loving and harmless in all of their thoughts, words, and deeds. If you dig deep enough into the reason they have low-self esteem you will find this issue is within them. For example, someone who has been abused could claim the low-self esteem is due to their abuse, but I say it is due to their desire for justice and judgment about what has been done to them and it could also be unhealed judgment of self due to their own past harmful and unloving intentions. Of course it is considered normal to want vengeance, but still it is the cause of the low self-esteem. We still have to get past our judgments if we ever expect to feel good about ourselves.
When your intention is to be loving and harmless then you know who you are and you feel good about yourself no matter what anyone says or does. This causes healthy self-esteem. It occurs over time as events occur and you witness yourself consistently responding in loving ways. Over time you receive internal guidance and you recognize your oneness with God and All That Is.
I know that is weird but you must know that women truly have different issues than men. With women, it is often about outward appearances; there is a vanity there in addition to everything else. This co-worker was morbidly obese, but then again, the three other employees (including boss) are also obese.
Certainly men and women face different issues; it is not so weird since we are biologically and socially different. A person who is generally considered physically beautiful does have to face the jealousy of those who are not generally considered physically beautiful. When the inner beauty is not there either, that jealousy comes out and can be felt.
Living in this world with other hurt people is not easy. There are no quick or fool proof solutions. I would love to be able to rise above the sickness in others, but I have a feeling that none of us is ever really healed, we just get better.
It is not easy, but it is possible…your healing can occur in spite of others who remain wounded! There are no quick solutions, but there are fool proof solutions. I just gave them above. It takes time, and it sounds to me like you are already on your way.
People are hurt, people are dysfunctional, and these are the facts of life. These wounded and dysfunctional people do seem to get in our way, they do seem to interfere with our lives, but we can change our focus and we can have peace and happiness no matter what is occurring in the outer world. I offer much advice along these lines in my other blogs such as Drowning in Worry and Reprogramming Yourself just to name a few. Over the course of our journey through life we gain much from even these experiences that challenge us.
When I realized that the co worker literally was directing HATE towards me, I tried talking to her in a tactful and gentle way. I told her I wanted us to get along and even enjoy working together. I felt good about what I said to her and felt I had done so in a loving and heartfelt way. 
Obviously, I should not have spoken about it to her because she merely became more resentful.
As you have found, most of the time talk does not cut it. You can’t talk your way out of being who you are. She hates you for who you are, a mirror that shows her who she is, which is a person she does not like. You are not willing and should not be willing to paint over your mirror with a pretty picture of who she is. Even your tactful and gentle talk mirrors back to her her own hatred and inability to be kind and loving.
I am not an overt, exciting person. I can’t walk in a room and uplift others by giving them extreme praise or making them feel wonderful. My personality is very calm and low key… but I smile and am friendly. This is the part I felt I had failed at. This is when, for a moment, I wished I were a different sort of person… one who could “win friends and influence people”.
To win friends and influence people by words alone or attempts to make them feel wonderful is a manipulation, it is fake and it is an energy that you do not want to engage in. When you are filled with your own sense of your true self, when your self-esteem is healthy and strong, when you are not frightened by the hatred, jealousy, and woundedness of others, when you trust life and that you ARE in the right place at the right time, you will walk into a room and uplift others by your mere presence. No words will be necessary. And those who are not uplifted will be those who are frightened by your light.
I think that I am a help to many of my friends… that they sense they are safe with me (and I with them) and we are able to help each other. But, that is not necessarily true of all relationships.
Agreed! You cannot help everyone. Not everyone will respond to you in the way you would like them to. Accept that and move on.
I wanted to be a help to my ex husband (while we were still married). (At first of course, I was very angry and showed my anger towards him). But after learning more, reading more, I tried to be loving and tolerant; knowing he suffered from alcoholism. But, to be honest, this change in me seemed to make things worse… now perhaps that is natural progression of alcoholism and nothing to do with me, but I was the one who had to eventually flee. Not for my life, but for my sanity. My already bruised ego hung perilously on the edge of a breakdown.
As we grow we must change our outer circumstances. It MUST occur and that is a good thing! We experience the pain of separation from the old, but wait…the new holds gifts for us. The new life circumstances contain many of the things we have been asking for.
I still question why my love wasn’t enough to help my ex. I still wonder why I have to “feel” the feelings of others. They only hurt for the most part.
Your love has helped, you just don’t see all the ways it has helped him yet. Your love wasn’t enough to “help” your ex because your ex has free choice. Your ex still has more to experience in the circumstances he chose for his life.
Do you have any thoughts on this? Or do you require money for your services? lol
Munga
I do not charge for my counseling services. I am especially grateful when someone allows me to be of service and allows me to post them in a blog so that others may be helped by the questions and answers.
Love and Blessings,
Michael Skowronski
Author of Unforgettable: A Love and Spiritual Growth Story
Also on Amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com…including awesome book reviews!
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Both crime and punishment are insane. To believe that you will get what you want by taking it from another, to believe that doing harm to another will serve you in some way, both are insane ideas. Anyone who is observing life clearly understands the insanity behind either approach to life. One popular definition of insanity states that to continue doing the same thing and expecting different results is insane. And it is. There is a feeling of frustration that goes along with insanity, which often causes anger and violence, or at least the thoughts to commit violent acts. Insanity is a lack of understanding of how life works, which plays out in the actions of the insane person. An insane person thinks or does certain things which give them results they do not want.
