Drowning in Worry
This blog is a response to a friend’s request for help. She has given permission to use her question and my answer in this blog. Here is her question…
“For the past many months my life has being going downhill. I have been trying to save money for a house, but it is not working. I have left two jobs in the past four months; I have even tried to work from home, but still no luck. For past seven years I have been a single parent, left on my own with eight kids. My saving are going down not up! I just turned 46 recently and all of a sudden I had this burning desire for a man to come into my life, to comfort me, and to lift my burden of having to always be on my own. I would like to try and achieve something with someone special in my life, and for it not always to be me working hard and not getting very far. But Michael I am still waiting. I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do, or if I will ever find someone that will be true to me and my kids.”
Here is my answer to my friend and all of you who suffer from similar problems…
I have compassion for you. I understand how it can feel like there is no way out. But there is a way out, and it is all contained in your own mind and thought processes. First I want to echo back what you said with some comments, and then I will get down to suggesting a path of recovery.
“My life has being going downhill.” I expect that is how you think and feel about your life and yet it is NOT the true facts about it. Your life is what you have created, what you have hoped for, asked for, dreamed for, and worried for…yes worried. Our worrisome thoughts are just as creative as our conscious deliberate thoughts, even more so since they run on automatic pilot and often go on and on for hours on end, day after day…and the conscious ones are held for only a few moments at a time, and probably days go by before you remember to dream a creative dream. So you have created this and likewise you can create something else.
“Eight Kids…” Wow you did set yourself up for a challenge! How much help are the kids? How much trouble? With the right resources and training you have yourself a small company! How many of them are up for the challenge of creating an internet business? Or some other sort of business? Just an idea.
“If I will ever find someone that will be true to me and my kids…” That too can be a challenge, most men would run screaming from such a situation…or enjoy you for as long as they can and then leave once it starts getting difficult or serious…but still it is not impossible to attract a man who will help…but having a man to help is not the only way to cope with this situation. So don’t be attached to that idea.
“My saving are going down not up!” That would be a scary picture to look at for almost anyone. You need something positive to be looking at when it comes to finances and this is not it.
“I turned 46 recently.” I hope that does not mean that you believe it is all downhill from here, or “what can possibly be left in my life if I still don’t have a solid relationship?” It is easy to think that way, but that is one of the kinds of thoughts you must catch and stop.
“A man to come into my life, to comfort me,” no one else can truly comfort you. You must learn to comfort yourself. Indeed someone can comfort you for a moment, but it won’t be long before their comfort will cease to sooth you and your worried mind will take over and ruin your life experience once again. They too will become a burden and cease being a comfort.
“And to lift my burden of having to always be on my own.” Someone else cannot lift your burden. Your burden is your worry and your attachment to your desire for something you do not have, not your life circumstances. There is nothing wrong with desire, but
attachment to the where and when and how it will show up will definitely cause you to suffer. Hold desire without attachment.
“And achieve something with someone special in my life.” Having a partner can be nice, or it can be hell…but you want a partner that has strength and courage and honesty and integrity and ability…is that right? Be sure you are clear about what kind of partner you want, and NOT someone who has just been released from jail or who prefers to hang out at the local pub with his mates. If you are clear you won’t waste your time with the wrong sort of bloke and you will know when the right one comes along. If all you want is a little sex and play and touch for a few hours, nothing wrong with that by the way, then be clear about that when it happens and make sure he does not hang around like a lost puppy.
“And for it not always to be me working hard and not getting very far.” When the work is hard, it is because you are swimming upstream. When you stop doing that then it will stop being hard work. You must learn to go with the flow. It may seem like the flow is not taking you where you want, but that is impossible…the flow is always going where you want, it is your vision that is limited. You have not yet learned how to trust Life so you go against it.
“I am still waiting.” Stop waiting and make yourself happy now. Never wait, make yourself happy in each moment. Then with each passing day count the blessings you do have, and the desires that have become manifest. That is much more fun.
“I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do.” Your thoughts are attacking you. You believe something has gone horribly wrong in your life. Make yourself happy. That is what you need to do!
Okay so I have picked apart the things you have written. I hope I did not offend you, that was not my intention. You need to learn how to do this very same thing for yourself. First write out your problem, then go back and read your own words, your own thoughts, and find out what is wrong with them, but more importantly challenge them with thoughts that feel much better.
There are two approaches you can take…1) going after financial resources and a man to help…or 2) going after happiness. If you take approach 1 you will be waiting a long time to be happy. But if you take approach 2 YOU CAN BE HAPPY ANYTIME YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY! And you can still attract the financial resources and a man at the same time. So I suggest approach 2.
To be continued…
Love and Blessings,
Michael Skowronski
Author of Unforgettable: A Love and Spiritual Growth Story
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January 19th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Wow. Tremendous problem and excellent advice.
In my life, I have learned that similar feelings of despair are often followed the next day by feeling hopeful. Sometimes I can’t see why I feel negative one day and positive the next. There may be simple factors like eating right and getting enough sleep, etc. But bottom line, my feelings have a life of their own, and are somewhat independent of the realities at hand. So when I feel down, fearful, depressed, I know I need to take care of myself in some way.
In my past, I had put myself in my own complex of troubles. Recovery was and is a project. Little by little I was finally able to put many pieces in order. I had to learn new boundaries. I had to think out of the box. I was already used to hard work. And wouldn’t you know it, when I was finally able to take good care of myself, and was feeling happy, I suddenly met a very like minded individual and we married a few years later. We would not have been interested in each other unless we had our individual houses in order.
January 20th, 2008 at 2:51 am
This is the state most people are in. They are blown about by the winds of fate. External events control their happiness and experience of life.
Hello…WE are the creators. Our mind is what creates our experience, including the outside events.
Glad you enjoyed the blog…by the way this woman is doing fantastic now. She has transformed her life dramatically, and did so within days of reading this advice I had given her. Nearly two months later she is still doing very well.
Of course the rest of my response to her has yet to be posted…be sure to read part two.
January 21st, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I too can appreciate this very much as I was once drowning in worry and FEAR. Once I realized that it was all me, took a little responsibility for my own destiny, I experienced a vast change in my own life.
I still feel fearful every now and then as some of it bubbles to the surface. I can usually say to myself that this is remnants of the old me and that the NEW me knows that nothing can happen to me if I don’t give it power by thinking about it. I think of something else, like what I’m going to do for others, and this gives me much peace.
I look forward to reading more!
Namaste,
Angie
January 21st, 2008 at 11:44 pm
[…] This is continued from Drowning in Worry… […]
February 6th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Save My Marriage…
Reading the blog and the otherposts I see things that are close to home. I have added you to my digg account for bookmarking….
February 21st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
[…] is occurring in the outer world. I offer much advice along these lines in my other blogs such as Drowning in Worry and Reprogramming Yourself just to name a few. Over the course of our journey through life we gain […]
April 4th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
[…] Drowning in Worry contains a lesson I call the Secret to Happiness. This blog is an answer to a woman who had so many difficulties she felt like she was drowning in them. […]