Relationship Counseling Transcript for Elizabeth

Michael Skowronski offers Marriage, Relationship and Family Counseling from a Spiritual Perspective. This form of counseling can help you improve your marriage, relationship and family life by reading and applying what you learn from the free "Loving Relationships" and the free "Walk On Water" ezine. This counseling can also help you get past the expectations of others and decide for yourself whether divorce is right for your family or not.

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This relationship counseling transcript is teaching by example; its one of the most powerful ways to learn. As young children we learned everything that way.

This page contains real questions asked by a real person and my responses. To keep it brief I have included only the bits of our exchange that would be relevant to you the reader.

Elizabeth helped me by being my first online client. She has graciously given me permission to post this page. We've changed the name of her boyfriend since he has not given permission nor is his side of this presented here.

First, Elizabeth sent me her questions and I answered them. She then responded with a much longer email to clarify some of the things she asked. This was all done via email.

This first section was taken from those email exchanges. I used (red comments) in the text to indicate the flavor or Elizabeth's clarifying email. However, these (red comments) are my words, not hers. Elizabeth has visited this page and given me only positive feedback.

Please enjoy…

Transcript of questions asked by Elizabeth and my response.

Elizabeth asked, “Is it selfish to want to let go?”

Selfishness is underrated, in fact we should all be taught to be selfish rather than selfless! Our society has it all backwards with their rules of how we should all behave.

If you want to have anything of value to offer to anyone you must first take care of yourself. How do you feel when someone does something for you out of duty and obligation? For me, more often than not I wish they would not have bothered. Often what they do is just plain annoying or even worse, we have to undo what they did and redo it ourselves.

The feeling that goes with the intention of “I must do this because it is expected of me” is horrible. The more open and aware you become the more you feel... when you start to feel things on a deeper level you also let go of your desire to tolerate the pain. This is a good thing.

It is like we have all been trained to keep our hand on a hot stove. If you keep it there long enough you will develop very hard tough skin and loose all sense of feeling. This is how we are taught to approach life. It will burn you so you better toughen up so that you can take it.

How ignorant is that! Our feelings are telling us to remove our hand from the stove. It is a normal and positive reaction to pain. Soft, pliable and sensitive hands are much more affective and attractive, don’t you agree?

And so it is with our lives. Our negative feelings are meant to tell us there is danger here; we are going to get burnt, back away. But back away from what? Back away from what we are thinking about, back away from where we are focusing our attention, back away from the situation we are in. Well where do we go with our thoughts and focus? Towards anything that feels better!

Sometimes it is a stretch, but reach, reach for the better feeling thoughts. Once you have a firm grip on it, reach again for an even better feeling thought.

Read the “Facts of Life” ecourse… more will be revealed. Click here to purchase your copy now. Or Click Here to sign up for the FREE "Walk On Water" ezine and the get the first lesson of the "Facts Of Life" ecourse for free.

Elizabeth asked, “How does one deal with or cope with a person considered special who has a very distorted opinion of who you are? Is it selfish to want to let go?”

So I would like to disarm the judgement charged word “selfish”. Being “selfish” can be, and usually is, a good thing not a bad one. Your feelings will tell you. Your desire to let go is natural; it comes from your Source.

But what are you going to let go of? The person? You could, but you consider them to be special so why would you do this? (He has let go of me.)

Does this person really have a distorted opinion of who you are? (Yes) Or are the words they use to communicate the best they can find to describe the feeling they have around your energy? (Yes, this too) That vibration they feel as you judge them, or want more from them than they have to offer, or expect them to behave in someway different from the way they wish to behave.

Right now I can only guess, but I bet I am spot on. Sure you think they are special, but what else do you think? And how often do you think those unpleasant things about this person?

People discount the power of their thoughts. They just don’t understand that thoughts are the starting point, the building blocks, of everything we experience in life including physical matter.

I know from personal experience that I can tell you what the emotional tone of your thoughts are. Often I can describe them precisely, other times I can only say what it feels like. I know many people who can too, and can clearly articulate what they are picking up.

You really do not have private thoughts! They are perceivable, by everyone. However, most people are too out of touch with their feelings, and overrule them with all the rules of behavior we have been brainwashed into believing.

You also need to ask yourself, “In what way is my view of myself distorted?” My guess would be that your own self-view has been influenced by many people from early in your life, a not so pretty view. Although you may realize that you are unique and worthy in every sense of the word you may also find that ultimately you have a deep-seated belief in your unworthiness. (Elizabeth took issue with these statements.)

Elizabeth said, “We are all human beings with a great capacity for feeling compassion for our fellow humans because we have the same basic needs. To live and breathe and be happy.”

Elizabeth, this statement you have made is your answer of how to deal with this person. This person just wants to be happy. And they are not happy when they focus on you when you are thinking bad feeling thoughts about them. (This person is exhibiting intensely paranoid behavior.)

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your friend is to find their best qualities to focus on. Ignoring their comments as you are face-to-face speaking with them can be very difficult. But what about the few hundreds of other times you remember what they said, mull them over in your mind, present your case to the contrary… you know what I mean? That gut wrenching argument with no one but your own mind.

This is how you stay stuck and attract such people into your life. You may even attract a very kind and loving person, but you will rendezvous with them on the one and only occasion they feel like verbally bashing someone.

Take your hand off of the stove. Practice better feeling thoughts.

Really this other person is a moot point. (Even though they are doing such bizare things?) They have their issues that they need to deal with in order to improve their life, not your life. It should and can have no affect on you. Their unkind words and opinions come from their insecurities and you are simply taking them on as being real.

The reason it does have an affect on you is because you have made it so important to you. You have fixated on this person delivering to you what you want from life and they aren’t doing it.

If you take your hand off the stove the heat will dissipate and your natural good feeling state will return. Again please refer to the “Facts of Life” ecourse, it describes the process of changing your focus in great detail. When you do this first your inner reality changes, then in time the outer reality changes too.

Elizabeth asked, “How can one reach out to a person who has fears? How to rid themselves of this phobia? Do you think that a person who holds on to that fear and their past (a major part of what caused them to develop this phobia) is really too afraid to move on?”

Nothing is set in concrete. A simple change of mind will fix everything. But they must be willing and wanting to do it. Yes, many people do stay stuck in fear for life.

But with each and every person who faces their fears and overcomes them, there is an energy created that has a profound influence on literally thousands of people. I again will turn your concern with this issue back on yourself. What fears do you have within you that you are not facing?

The best way to influence change for anyone is to live it yourself. This planet, physical reality, will always have fear, pain and suffering. It is part of the game. You as an individual get to choose what you focus on.

If you focus on the fear of others then the Universe will deliver plenty of these people to you. If you focus on the vast amount of wellbeing on the planet and in your life then more of that will show up. It really is that simple. One “Now Moment” after another hold your focus on what you do want and let the rest pass you by.

Elizabeth said, “Hmmm sorry Michael, your webpage touched on a topic that really interests me. Hence I could go on and on with questions so I had better hush up.”

Please know that I am grateful for your questions. They draw life force energy through me… they create a great opening within me for the very Source of my being to fill me with great joy, insight and clarity. That is a very good thing… many will benefit from this.

At this point a phone conversation seemed in order to quicken the process and be sure that I was properly addressing Elizabeth’s concerns. This second section describes the phone conversation between Elizabeth and I and it includes a few follow up emails from Elizabeth.

In Elizabeth’s clarifying emails she wanted to make sure I understood the reasons she was asking the questions. We tend to think this is necessary. The outside events seem so real and seem to need a solution designed specifically for it.

I cover why this is not true on this web page…
The Spiritually Attuned Life Coaching Technique.

This next section are some of the things she said in her email (many of the personal details are removed). I verbally responded to Elizabeth on the phone. I’ve now done the same in writing (though it may be a little different than I told Elizabeth on the phone).

During our telephone conversation Elizabeth confirmed that my insight offered in the above email exchange was correct.

Elizabeth said:
I've been divorced from the father of my children since our eldest was 3 yrs old and he is now 18. I raised them on my own all this time and married a second time in 1994. That marriage lasted 7 months because I found out that he only married me to get even with his ex-wife. My second husband slapped me once and that's all I needed to show him the door.

Michael said:
It would only be natural if your dominant vibration about men and relationships were that they were difficult and abusive. The key to getting past this is to challenge those beliefs. Yes, some men and relationships are difficult and abusive. But it is also true that there are plenty of men and relationships that are loving and easygoing.

Seek those out. Seek out examples of this in other people’s relationships. Skip the part where you notice that you don’t have this and imagine your self in one of those good relationships. Take the best and most juicy romantic moments of your life and replay just those moments in your life over and over. Practice until you are good at it, and then you will feel so good doing it no one could stop you from doing it all of the time.

When you see abuse or hear about it. Make it your habit to respond, in your own mind, with these memories and images that you have been practicing.

Elizabeth said:
About 4&1/2 months ago I met a very lovely man (Paul).... we hit it off from the start and we were both extremely happy...(I was a happy soul prior to meeting him...very positive about life and my achievements and had the capacity to make people laugh) and when we met face to face for the first time he was knocked off his feet.

He lavished me with attention. Phoned me several times a day just to hear my voice and as much as time permitted we would spend time in each others company. He would send me messages on my mobile phone...I always reciprocated.

I grew to care deeply for this man and always looked forward to the times when we could see each other. We made each other laugh. We were truly happy and he was always excited to see me.

(Skipping some of the more personal details of how it all fell apart.)

So to cut a long story short, out of the blue he sent me a nasty e-mail. I say nasty because he was accusing me of stalking him. That came as a shock to me because up until then we were seeing each other.

Michael said:
Given your past relationships, the concern of difficulties and abuse would have naturally entered you mind at some point in all of this. You must have had times when you were seeing Paul in a way that did not feel good, in fact I would say there were times it felt very bad. (Elizabeth confirmed that this was true.)

When someone, or life, delivers us bad feeling experiences it is natural that we will feel bad. It is natural that the mind will reach for all of the similar past experiences and intensify these feelings.

This is where all of that practice will come in handy. Find something, anything to focus on that feels better… even if it is something of a completely different subject. Remember those lovely first days of the relationship where there was not a flaw to be seen. Remember a wonderful vacation that you took to some exotic place.

I have used this technique many times and have had great success. In one case my girlfriend’s negative mood and accusations towards me ended within the hour instead of days later as was the norm.

How can you stay mad at someone when they look at you with so much love? You can not! You must either leave their space out of the discomfort of trying to hold two dissimilar energies together, or you will change to match their loving vibration.

Rememer love is the stronger force. The other is simply a lack of love.

Elizabeth said:
Paul's profession is an RN (Registered Nurse) and he specialises in psychiatry. He takes care of the mentally ill patients in the psychiatric wards in two hospitals, that in itself made me feel he was truly a special person. The majority of patients are schizophrenics and people with drug and alcohol addictions. Gamblers and others with eating disorders.

Michael said:
This would explain Paul's jump to the paranoid conclusion that you were stalking him. His world has so many people in it with serious psycho/emotional problems that they are bound to affect him. If he understood these energy concepts we are discussing he might have more control of his perceptions.

The best way to help these people is to focus only on their positive aspects. The better you get at this the more you will rendezvous with those parts of him. If he insists on keeping those other parts active in his vibration he will have to find someone else to express them with.

But you could actually help him make a change him for the better. Its easy to warm up your body in a warm room, but it is very difficult to do so in a cold one. Your warm thoughts could warm his cold heart.

After posting the above information Elizabeth had this to say regarding the question, “In what way is my view of myself distorted?” and the statements that followed. Here is what she said:

As a child, I grew up in a very loving environment and up to now we are a close family so I dont have a distorted view on who I am or what I'm about. I can proudly say that as a mother, I have two beautiful children who are very well adjusted and liked by all their peers and teachers.

Michael said:
By this I meant that you, and everyone for that matter, are a vast and powerful being; that your very nature is love. All people encounter unloving energies directed towards them, especially when they are little and the most easily influenced by the energy of others. It did not have to come from your parents. Teachers, other adults and our peers all contribute to our self-esteem.

I cannot say that I have met anyone who has not felt unworthy, unwanted, unlovable, or less than in stature or importance in some way. It would be very hard to escape in this world. Nor have I queried everyone. Even if I could people are so out of touch with their deepest beliefs that I would have to meet them in person and use kinesiology to test the accuracy of their answers.

Having said that I do not claim to know it all. Sometimes I do come across that way, and I even have my moments of self-importance where I believe I know something that I don’t. Nor do I wish to push an issue on you that you feel is not yours or that you do not wish to face.

However, if you are willing I would like to explore this issue some more with you. Is that okay? My training, and my experience of life, tells me that when someone has an event in their life that impacts them emotionally there is some vibration within them that has attracted this.

In order to move forward and make progress understanding this is NOT necessary, only shifting your focus is necessary. However, curiosity is satisfied by knowing these answers. Also people are motivation to change something when they understand how it is impacting them.

In Conclusion...

Elizabeth, you are a wonderful person who deserves the best that life has to offer. I know this is true because it is true about everyone… including you the reader of this dialog.

In order to have the relationship you want, it has to become part of your dominant vibration. Every time someone does something harmful or unloving your focus needs to go to the truth. The truth is that we are all worthy and that this person is temporarily lost in an illusion of their own creation.

Thank you Elizabeth for allowing this to be made public. And thank you dear reader for taking an interest and supporting me in this endeavor.

Sincerely,
Michael Skowronski