Unforgettable Love Story

This blog is an answer to a couple of letters from a friend who is having difficulties leaving her abusive husband. If you have some practical advice or resources for women in California with this sort of difficulty please post as a comment.

“Dearest Michael,

“Thank you for your Relationship Break Ups – How to Cope blog. I have found it helpful and I am in agreement with much of what you have said.

“I have been trying to make a marriage work for a long time now that was more than likely doomed from the start and now I am trapped or at least unaware of a way out.”

Becoming trapped in a relationship or feeling trapped is a very bad sign that you are not in the right place, not with the right person, not doing that which nurtures your soul.

“I was unable to work for most of the last 5 yrs due to the abuse I received from my husband. I was depressed and suicidal. I committed myself to the mental hospital 2 or 3 times and was heavily medicated for much of that time.”

I often wonder why people stay in such relationships for so long. I guess this is how we learn that we cannot change other people who do not want to change. But I would suggest to a young and inexperienced person to take heed of such telltale signs early in a relationship and get out much sooner. Don’t let tradition, religion, or the coercion of family stop you from protecting yourself.

Abusive people do not change overnight. An apology is not enough. It will happen again because it is a habit they have developed. They need help. If they don’t get help and are not putting significant effort into changing, then get out! What is a significant effort? Changing their TV and Movie watching habits, changing their reading habits, they should be reading something daily that reinforces a healthy mental attitude and healthy habits of action…and I do not count the Bible amongst such books. They should be making time for meditation, contemplation and reviewing their habits of thought and reprogramming them. Read my blog Reprogramming Yourself, if your abuser is not taking the steps I list in this blog they will not change.

I also recommend another blog How to Deal with Passive Agressive Behavior.

“My husband was sexually molested by a catholic priest when he was 10. He was an altar boy. I am telling you this because I want you to be able to understand, as I do, that there are reasons in his case, for the arrogance as you have explained it. I understand that I have been subjected to his lies, cheating and manipulation, emotional, verbal and financial abuse because of what happened to him.”

We all should have compassion for those who do us harm because in fact they are hurting. We may not always know the reasons why they are hurting, but to commit such harm one must be hurting. Even still, compassion does not translate to staying with the abuser…you can be compassionate and loving while you leave to take care of yourself.

“After a lot of soul searching, reading and contact with blessed angels such as you, I have finally come to a better place within myself; I have a greater understanding. I no longer take any medication other than my blood pressure pill and a multi-vitamin. I was finally able to get a part-time, minimum wage job, which has recently become an “on-call” position and have kept it for about 3 months now.

“Unfortunately, while I am extremely grateful and blessed to be mentally and spiritually better, some of the abuse continues and I know that it would be best for the both of us to move on. He still has anger management problems and is verbally abusive and he still controls all of the money except my tiny paycheck. I have been unable to set much of that aside as I have had to use that money for my basic necessities. I don’t even know how much he makes. And he has told me he will fight having to pay me alimony because of all of the years he had to support me while I couldn’t work. I cannot afford to be alive right now let alone afford an attorney to help me.”

I know this about life…there are always more options available than meets the eye. When we are feeling bad we cannot see them. Habits take over. Illness sets in. You must do something somehow to get away from him.

“There are shelters that may be able to help me, but they are run by the Catholic Church. How am I supposed to go and ask for help from the same people that technically put me in this position to begin with? I have no money or support system. No family that is willing to help me, I’m lonely and scared and I don’t know what to do. And so yes, I have considered suicide. All I know is that I cannot take this situation anymore as it is eating away all of the progress I have made healing myself.”

The people running the shelter at your local Catholic Church are not very likely to be the same people who abused your husband as a child. And you are a grown woman. If you discover abuse there you can report it.

Have you considered a live in job such as health care aid or nanny? I know one woman on MySpace who was in great financial trouble, she met another woman on MySpace who had a big house, was all alone and offered her a free place to live. I also know of another person who was given a free place to live due to a friendship that developed on MySpace.

Go inside, get centered, shift your energy such that you feel good. Then take a step in a direction that will free you. This is where faith comes in. The next step will reveal itself to you.

Husbands can say things but that does not mean it will happen like they say. You could look up his pay standard in online salary surveys to determine an approximation of what he earns. Won’t an attorney take the case if they can get their fee out of the settlement?

Have you even contacted an attorney? I bet you have more options than you realize. California is a joint property state I believe. You can file a divorce on your own. You would be due half of your combined property. The court would make sure that happened whether you used an attorney or not.

Living with him is going to suck the life out of you and make you feel unable to do anything so get away from him ASAP! My late wife kicked her ex out of the house. She took his house keys off his key chain before he left for work and once he left she unplugged the garage door opener, packed some of his clothes, put them out on the porch and called him up to inform him he was out and to pick up his stuff. This worked really well for her.

“We don’t own any property except our car and I guess I would be entitled to 1/2 the value of that, which isn’t much. I could not afford to stay in our apartment even if I could “kick” him out. I have a call into an attorney and I am waiting for a response. My father told me that he had to pay for my mother’s attorney when they divorced eons ago and he wants me to make my husband pay for the attorney. I honestly don’t know if it works like that or not anymore and I won’t know till I talk to the attorney.”

I still say kick him out that gives you one or two months of rent paid…you did pay first and last I am assuming. And by then perhaps an attorney will have him paying your rent, or perhaps another option will open up like a live in working situation.

“We have been married a little over nine years. Living together longer but I guess that doesn’t count. In California 10 yrs is considered a lengthy marriage and after 10 yrs of marriage I would be entitled to 1/2 of his retirement when he retires. According to the attorney I spoke to a while back, up until 10 yrs, I would be entitled to some sort of alimony for 1/2 of the yrs we were married, so about 4 1/2yrs.

“Understanding how my husband ticks, I think there is an effort on his part, sub conscious or not, to make me end this before our 10th anniversary in December so that I won’t be entitled to any of his retirement. He also has a law suit pending against the church, of which I know few details. I don’t think he wants me to have any access to that potential compensation either, regardless of the fact I have suffered collateral damage from his abuse. He is very Jeckel and Hyde when it comes to money; he always has to have control of it. He is nice as pie when we have it, and mean and nasty when we don’t. So in all honesty the only thing that will be an issue is alimony.

“I’m not looking to rake my husband over the coals. I left my last marriage with little more than bedroom furniture and could have had some alimony but declined it. I just wanted out. I was 22 then and had just gone thru some training and knew that I could get a good paying job. The situation is quite different now. I am going to need some help until I can get on my feet and that’s all I want. After everything I have been through with him (much of which I haven’t mentioned here), I think I deserve at least that.

“I have an appointment with an attorney next week so I should know more then.”

I believe that is good attitude not wanting to take too much of his money. However, you do need to take care of yourself and I would suggest that you do get the maximum you are morally and legally entitled to. You don’t know what the future holds and you can certainly tell him to stop making payments later down the track if you are doing well and feel like you have received what you need to move on with your life.

“Last Sunday I started attending Co-dependents Anonymous meetings to try and get some help and support. My whole life has been spent trying to help and rescue others and now when it is vital to my wellbeing that I focus on rescuing myself, I honestly don’t know how. I am angry and hurt over this relationship and I’m finding it hard not to focus on him and what he’s done to our relationship. And because I’m stuck here with him, I cannot mourn the loss of this relationship appropriately which in turn makes me angrier and hurt.”

Good job going to co-dependents anonymous that is a great step for you to be taking. Do speak up at the meeting and do make friends with whoever feels good to be around. You need all of the support you can get right now.

Since you have been such a wise and loving counsel for others try this exercise…write out your dilemma, then turn around as if you were a friend or counselor and read what you have written as if you received it from someone else. Take yourself out of your shoes and put yourself in the shoes of a friend or counselor. What advice would you have to give to yourself?

“On top of the marriage problems my 17 yr old college bound, high school basketball star, daughter, informed me last week that she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby. I have a 19 yr old alcohol and drug addicted son who isn’t speaking to me and a 21 yr old daughter who decided to become a stripper instead of going to college. She just got out of jail because her abusive boyfriend falsely accused her of domestic violence. Instead of taking a plea that would have kept her out of jail and could have been expunged, she decided, against my advice of course, to take it to trial where she could end up in jail for quite some time. And, I’m still looking for another job. One with which I will be able to support myself.

“Michael, I feel as though I have stepped into the twilight zone and it is very hard to stay positive during all of this. But I want you to know that I am so grateful for you and my other blessed MySpace friends that have been so caring and supportive during this extremely stressful period in my life. I don’t know what I would do without you guys and I thank my Creator everyday for the blessing of my friends.”

All of your children have to learn from their own life experiences through living them. You can give advice and you should give it. But then you should move into loving them. Forget that they are ignoring your advice, and just love them. The more you can do this the more it will be felt and the more seriously they will consider your advice. But most importantly right now you have to take care of yourself. You need to take your mind out of your problems and give your mind a chance to be open to receiving the solution.

I can feel your fear and your loneliness. I understand this is a very difficult situation to be in. But it is most important to take care of yourself as best you can, which means somehow, someway remove the abusive husband from your life.

So I called this blog 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Perhaps my friends will be kind enough to post their story of how to leave a lover when they stop being loving. And if you live in California and know some of the legal rights or social services this woman might be able take advantage of please do post them here.

Love and Blessings,
Michael Skowronski
Author of Unforgettable: A Love and Spiritual Growth Story

image credits to Joseph

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